I want.... - 1/20/2002

...... to write, to get this unanswerable need satisfied, to reach down deep and grab that little elusive nugget of frustration and....

*just sighs, having been staring at that blinking cursor for five minutes* I can't even bring my vocabulary into full use, how on earth am I going to grasp this seed of malcontent and nourish it into a festering bloom so I can cleanse the Cage of this roiling warhead that's an earthquake looking for a building to shake down.

*brow lifts* Vocab loss, huh?

Figuring out the anniversary on Thursday brought a minor, short-lived victory. Okay, it was a tremendously enlightening short-lived victory. The relief was wanton, it spread without pause or thought to tingle through every recess, every nook and cranny, every hidden corner.

Something like a 4 A.M. Girl.

Gratification was instant, all-consuming and seemingly neverending.

The backwash proved me wrong.

Here we are....... seething..... again. But there is no direction. There is a fathomless well waiting to be tapped into, yet we haven't found where to knock the hole in the keg. We sit, uninspired. I've read dozens of random entries this evening hoping that something would kick start a thought that would then lead to a marvelous outpouring of whatever it is that waits, lurking, just inside the floodgates.

This..... is not what I was expecting. I was hoping for something that would level the discontent, not further it's confusion.

Maybe it's because I know I'm on a time limit. It is already 1130 at night, I didn't get much sleep last night and had a long day at work, have to wake up early to pick up a red tailed hawk with a fractured wing and a "very nice duck, which has nothing wrong with it except that it's.... very nice...." to take out to the zoo tomorrow.

Maybe it's just because I'm tired, the others are tired, and a general biorhythm curve, or something, I'll even accept PMS at this point for a rational explanation..... that's just throwing me off..... throwing us all off. Nobody can keep a constant mood except this..... this....

vocabulary meltdown again.

I just feel..... vacant.....

C went back to work tonight, so won't see her again until Monday or Tuesday when she has the day off and can drive the extra 50 miles to get up here (MAN I can't wait until we get our own place closer to her work so we can live as a damn couple again, just a few more paychecks...... just a few.....). While I got to spend a lot of nice time with her over the last two days, I didn't get to share what we (inner we) had experienced the other night (the bedtime entry). Spazzboy glazed over it a bit, and was supposed to show her that entry...... but things never worked out to allow the both of them to be at the computer at once. My history was cleared when I got home from work today, so maybe C trucked through and found the entry. If so, nothing was said. If not..... I don't remember clearing the history since I was online last night.....

Spazzboy wants to talk to her more about it..... but with his hangups about the repercussions of being honest with people..... he's hesitant.

I want to share it, I need her to read it, because it's too hard to simply repeat. But I don't want to take up more time than's mine, man. I get shit for being around a lot anyway *shrugs* I won't bring anythig up anymore unless asked..... I learned that all the way around, applies to any and everybody now.

I want to talk to her about it..... but...... can't. Because it's not all mine to tell..... it needs to come from those that were hurt, too.

We felt a strange presence today, while at work. I was in the Great Horned Owl flight, finishing up my raking, and suddenly felt very small..... nearly childish. At first I turned to Spazzboy cause even though he's a teenager, he's something of the perpetual kid in us, the ever-optimist, so I didn't know if he was sneaking out. But he was right back where he was supposed to be, just watching, just as blankly as I. I turned to the others that commonly switch out at work, and they, too, didn't have a part of it. I knew it wasn't Spazzboy because he's confident at work, he knows what it is he's supposed to be doing, hell, loves doing it.

I felt like a very shy 5 year old little boy, bowl cut shaggy hair, overalls, red and white striped shirt, sneakers...... I knew what I was supposed to be doing, but the rake in my hands was 10 feet tall, ungainly..... just for a second, just for a few heartbeats......

No one in the system is that young.

Is it another alter? I can't find him now. But that feeling was unshakeable, eerie.....

We always wondered why there were no Littles in the system. ScaredyCat at 15ish is the youngest. This is a good decade younger. But we were all older, for some reason.....

Was this just a memory connected somehow to the backwash of the "bedtime" entry?

Or was this something more?

I know new alters can emerge at any time after the initial split, and those that would be young enough (still) to remember the original trauma may be hidden so goddamned deeply that they may not be starting to come out until now..... but that's frightening, now.

Everyone that's present now, we really don't have to worry too incredibly much about situations and unannounced/uncontrolled switches. Normally things can be gracefully smoothed over, depending on the situation and present company. Just about everyone knows how to drive, write, sign the credit card slip, whatever, so that daily functionality continues, or we don't worry about suddenly being in a situation that the one in control of the body has no clue what to do or how to get out of (i.e. driving down the road).

But if you bring a child alter into the picture, who may or may not be able to control the switches as everybody else does, that does not possess the general knowledge or skills...... then things get a little scarey......

*shakes head* Too much to think about now. Now that I've realized it, I'll work on it in the background for now, I won't fret myself til the odd hour of the morning over it. I do not need that stress. Tuesday, no worries of having to get up on time to go to work, can stay up as late as I need to work things out. Monday night sounds like a good time to work on whatever needs to be processed.

*nods, sagely, end of subject and goes to bed*