Swimmingly - 1/31/2002

"just oddness?" he asked me

so I replied honestly:

swimmingly...... if that makes sense. I'm in the deepend of a very dark pool and not sure if it's safe to be in the water. Floating around in the murk, not sure if when someone throws the switch to the pool lights what I"m going to see in the water with me.

I"m just...... just..... bipolaring right now, careening back and forth and can't get a handle on it *mutters*

=[]=

Yes, it is 5.30 in the morning, and no I haven't slept yet.

I WANT to sleep. But I can't, the idea of even going and getting into bed physically repulses me. It makes me hurt. I know that I'm exhausted and spinning out of control back and forth good and bad happy and sad delerium and despair rage and sorrow safe and not safe NOT SAFE NOT SAFE

Even my face is tired.

I'm crouched, in the happy chair, fucking ROCKING. My left arm hurts, from the rabies vax, muscles going intermittantly numb.

I'm numb.

No, I WANT to be numb. My problem is that I'm feeling and that's what's keeping me awake.

I could go get high.... but then I'd wander too far away.

5 hours until C gets here. Fuuuuuck..... can I make it until then? Stay awake? Stay sane? Stay in one piece? In even less than that I'll have been up for 24 hours..... again...... this has got to stop. But how can it when nothing calms down enough to go to sleep.

Drugs? Sleeping pills?

Personally, I'd rather not take a sedative because what affects one will not affect all the others.

Writing frenzy, was suggested.... but everytime I try to write, to get things out, everything shuts down. This..... dribble.... *waves generally encompassing entry* is NOT what I want to write. It's just all that will come out.

I'm shutting down, and not in a good way.

I have a feeling I'm going into a very bad place.

I'm back in that pool again, floating on a little raft, and everything is dark around me. Those pool lights are going to come on any second now..... highlighting what's in the murk. Is the water clear and blue? It is black, still? Is it blood red? Am I the only thing in the pool..... or do the monsters and shadows lurk and float just out of reach of my toes..... waiting..... waiting until they're seen before they jump from the water and pull me back under......

It's not safe to be in the water.

It's not safe to be here.

It's....... I don't even know if this is ME writing anymore.... the voices have all mushed together.

I was doing so well earlier. I took mom to the doc. I went to my own doc. I worked through important things.....

But you knew the rage was coming....

I got all the work done today I was supposed to, plus a little more...... I was inspired by D to do this incredible acrylic piece that I'm going to put on my damn wall.... and the assignment was just for playing with techniques...... I combined them all into something I"m very proud of....

And look at where I am now.

DS gave Spazzboy a place to vent, earlier.... she knew that what he was going through was so very hard, and that he needed a place to just. let. go. Did it stem this? It was happening at the same time that we....I?.... began cycling like this.... but he, himself, is better..... after it, he's exorcised a few more of those demons... he cried for things he wasn't able to before.... and it was good..... so why am I at the place I am now.... why am I not wanting to sleep... what am I afraid of happening when I sleep tonight?

This is insane.... I should have physically dropped by now. I know I physically CANNOT handle sustaining coherence or consciousness or even experiment with using .50 words when I am on so little sleep. I used to be able to do that, I cannot do it anymore. I need to rest...... but for pete's fucking sake is there any rest?

GOD this is just unsatisfying useless SLOP that only makes me grit my teeth.....